Below is the first draft of my script with additional notes. I added these notes when looking over my feedback and trying to find faults and ways to improve my script. The feedback that was given was from Becky Knapp, class peers and our teaching. We was given a lesson from Becky Knapp a few lessons before on the best way to produce and script and how to make it of good quality, now we had created our script she came back to school to read through them and tell us ways we could.
Feedback
After giving my script to the class it was interesting to see the feedback to it. It was said by many people that I needed to come up with names for my characters, as the way I had named them such as ‘character one, Character 2’ was very confused when it came to reading. Another problem that I found was the ideas that I had in my head didn’t come across in the same way. Personally I could mentally imagine what each character would look like and the environment it would be set in. however this wasn’t coming across in my script as it lacked detail and description of each character, this meant that when it came to redrafts I would have to work on explaining each character in the simplest terms. From other feedback I noticed that the language and sayings I had used didn’t reflect the personality of the character in the greatest way. Feedback from Becky Knapp and our teacher showed me that I had the correct layout for my script with a correct font however I had missed out some vital points such as scene number, page numbers and a front page, these where silly mistakes that I had made.
The feedback that I had received from Becky Knapp was that there wasn’t enough story to my script, to overcome this problem I decided that the best way would be to take out a few characters and develop other characters more in dept so the audience will be able to relate to the characters better. She also mentions that I could add in some gossiping between a few characters, as this is realistic in an office environment. She also decided that I created a punch line to the end of my script that would make a point to my short film. However lots of people said they liked the idea of my script but just found it a bit confusing.
Ideas for second draft
After thinking about the feedback I had received I decided to create a few questions that I should answer to help develop my script. These questions where
- Where is the office?
- Who is watching them?
- Why are they being watched
- Are the stakes high enough?
To answer these questions I did some addition research into job that I think would be associated with the importance of being watched 24/7. The ideas that I came up with could be a police office, a secrete spy office or a normal every day office that is being watched by a spy office secretly. For the question who is watched them, I come up with maybe the Boss of the company is watching them to see how much time they are wasting not working and will find a way of punishing them in some way, or as I mentions above another company or office that is watching them however they aren’t aware they are being watched. For why are they watching them, I thought that maybe to see how much time they are wasting which I mentions above or a secrete company are looking for new people to recruit so they are watching them instantly. And finally it could be the boss watching them listening out of gossip and to see if anyone knows about the affair. Finally for are the stakes high enough the audience will know they will be fired.
2nd draft of script
How I did change my script
I decided in the end to have the location and environment set in a police office, I finally decided on this idea, as you would get a wide range of people going in and out through out the day from the officers to cleaners to receptionists. This now meant I could add the location in to my script. This answers one of the questions I had though about before, to answer the other questions I decided that it would be the Boss listening in to the gossip that goes around the office and makes a record of it to use in his advantage as a way of blackmail when he is in need for something. When I was looking through my feedback I thought of another problem that hadn’t been mentioned, this was the location of the camera. The shot sizes and position of the camera would be the same throughout the film, which from an audience’s point of view would become very boring. This lead me to thinking about different ways in which I would change the positioning of the camera, first I came up with the idea that the kettle could move around the kitchen throughout the day. However I didn’t like this idea very much as I felt it would still be very limiting, this lead me to my final idea. I would film all of the short film in many different angles like you would see in any normal film but, the very last shot would come from the point of view of the kettle where a secret camera had been hidden by the boss. This would then lead onto another scene where the audience would see the boss watching at his computer all of the footage.
With the new changes to the script and the environment now chosen, I decided that some of the character could be changed. For example I wanted to change the Little Miss helpful to the cleaner lady who comes in every day to help organise and tidy up the space. After looking through the characters I felt that the others could the same however just add in the types of jobs they had for example Mr Messy could be the ‘newbe’ of the office.
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